Happily Ever After My Butt

Illustration Friday: Under The Sea

2006-05-04T08:40:00.000-07:00

NO I haven't abandoned IF. Or blogging. Or friends, family or life itself. I have been - for the last couple months - buried under a sea of work! I'm drowning with no one out there to throw in the lifesaver. Being the single parent now I feel as if I have to take all the extra work that comes my way. NO saying NO!! So between my day job, freelancing graphics and catering jobs, I've been thinking about visiting the nearest cloning station to pick up an extra pair of hands. But then I remember that it won't stay this busy forever and I'm really lucky to have the extra cash flow and the kids help me out where I can use them. So maybe I just need to swim towards the top of the pile in hopes of taking a break on the sunshine filled beach next to to sea instead of under it.

Illustration Friday: Feet

2006-03-21T15:02:00.000-08:00

Feet are a necessary part of everyday life. Well maybe not necessary but they sure make buying off the rack a lot easier. Feet take you where you need to go. They seemed to be eager to get up in the morning, always being the first out of bed. They'll tell you when you're tired after a long afternoon of shopping. They'll warn all around you when you're angry just by changing the way they sound. They are great for romantic walks on the beach feeling the cool night sand between the toes and knowing when to slow down just enough for your lips to get a little action too. And when you really don't feel like laughing, they can get you rolling on the floor (with a little help from the evil hands of a friend or family member). And after a long, hard day and a warm bath your feet are the last to climb into bed willing to warm up the sheets for you. The one thing about feet that to me, still remains a problem is... it's hard for them to break old habits. The habit I'm referring to is: as I'm drifting off, about to fall into dreamland, my feet slowly slide to the other side of the bed. Searching for the warmth of the past, longing to wrap around what had been there every night for 23 years only to find a cold empty spot. It was always a way for my feet to communicate love, longing and desire without words. Now they've found a way to communicate loneliness.

Illustration Friday: Simple

2006-02-15T14:11:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day at work for a recent divorcée SUCKS!! Not that the ex ever really did anything, it's just the alone status pinned across my chest that got to me. By the time I got home I was feeling really crappy. Near tears and not wanting to do much. Oh and to top the day off I had my tax meeting, ALONE, but that's a whole other Oprah for another time!
I didn't feel much like making dinner for Em and I so we just snacked on bread and cheese and sat watching bad TV and sharing a heating pad. Until 9pm rolled around and we realized we were both a little hungry. Not wanting to go get something or spending too much time cooking we settled on "runny eggs" and toast.
It was fabulously simple. The eggs were perfect, the bread- toasted butter side down on the pan- soaked up the yolk like a sponge. The fresh sliced tomatoes with just a sprinkle of sea salt could not have topped the meal off better!! We sat side by side on the couch quietly eating our Valentine's Day meal when Em turn and softly kissed my cheek, turn back without saying a word and continued eating. No words were needed, with that simple gesture, I knew she was the only Valentine for me. Turns out it was one of the best Valentine's days ever.

Illustration Friday: Chair

2006-02-09T10:00:00.000-08:00

Ok, here's the truth. I have become obsessed with the way my ex is running (or ruining) his life. I think about what it is he's doing or who he's doing at least once every hour of every day of every month... you get my drift. My stomach is in a constant state of turmoil. My heart in a permeant state of pain and my mind... well let me put it this way, I'd have to back up for days to reach the state of CRAZY!!! I have been plotting my next move, my next "catch you", my next "here's what I'm going to do to teach you a lesson." All this, by the way takes so much time, so much effort that I don't have time or effort left for what's really important in my life. My family and friends. My home, job, and for God's sakes, my own well being. So to solve this dilemma and to be able to move on with the quality things I am so fortunate to have in my life, I am putting my angry, sad, vengeful self into a comfortable chair in the timeout corner. And hopefully she stays there for a while so I can get back to enjoying what's important, life.

Illustration Friday: Glamour

2006-02-09T08:28:00.000-08:00

I'm not very good at being glamorous. I own about 50 pair of jeans (really, no exaggeration) and that's pretty much all I wear. To the movies, to dinner, basically to life. I hate my legs!! To wear a dress is so uncomfortable for me, I think I own only one and that one I wear with knee high boots. I would love to slip into a slinky, sexy dress and prance around with my legs stretched out and my feet slid into a diggty pair of sling-backs. I look longly at the cutest, sweetest, sexiest dresses at the little boutiques I visit, but always come home with a new pair of jeans, but "hey" I do have about every shade of denim there is!! I think that's why I love to paint women. I paint them with lots of curves and clingy, sexy dresses (never in jeans!) One thing though, in the 23 years of marriage I never received a special gift tucked inside that familiar "Blue Box". You think the reason was the jeans??

The illustration this week is one of my print illustrations. I usually try to create a new illustration for "IF" but felt this one fit what I was trying to say.

Illustration Friday: Cat

2006-01-26T12:01:00.000-08:00

When I was 6 I entered a contest to win a bright orange kitten from the local pound. I wrote that I had 5 people in my family and that would be five time the love the kitten would get. Well I had the "cat in the bag" and got to take kitty home within just days.

Just a year later my alcoholic dad ran away leaving my family with nothing but each other, one dog and one crazy cat we called Tuffy. A year after that dad was back home after falling drunk from a construction site 40' high onto his head and becoming permanently, 100% mentally disabled.

That poor cat was my pillow when I cried, my sounding block when I yelled and my friend when I need a hug. It was a big fat tabby cat with a heart bigger than a lot of people I know. He even drove cross country when we had to move to the west coast for my dad's rehabilitation.

His only flaw...birds. He LOVED!! birds and often brought me birds as gifts. Poor little broken gifts. A bell on his collar helped but he still tried to get those creatures stalking them through the grass or just watching them from under the trees.

Tuffy hung around for 18 years and then one day he was just gone. I loved that tabby so much and have never been able to get another cat. None can ever compare to the friend who grew up beside me.

Looking back now though, I have had better luck with cats than I have with men so maybe it is time for a new friend.

Married Women & Twenty Year Olds

2006-01-26T11:54:00.000-08:00

A few thoughts to my ex regarding his dating habits...

Why is it that you feel you have the right to behave the way you have been since leaving.
Is it that you feel that you're the guy in the car that picks his nose and feels nobody can see him because he is "inside" his car.

Everyone can see you. Your not invisible just because you don't come home to your family.
Your actions and choices need to start reflecting the respect your family deserves.
You act as if you have NO responsibility to your kids. Their feeling, their actions or their future.

You also might start thinking of the families of the people you involve yourself with. The Mother and Father of the daughters. The Husband and Children of the wives.
Maybe you can start thinking of the years we have be dealing with "S's" (that's your middle kid in case you have forgotten, they feel as if you have) relationship with "A", a man a whopping 10 years older. Maybe you should start asking "J" your 22 year old son to give you some advice on what girls in their 20's like, he might be able to set you up, you know, double-date. Maybe you can talk to "the Affairs" kids and ask them how if felt to lose respect for a parent because you don't seem to care what your kids think.

These suggestions, I know, sound insane. That's because your actions are such.

Maybe you can take an afternoon with your girls, have a talk with them, let them know that just because you have disrespected & hurt not only them, but their Mom and every other family (yea, everybody has families) you have or intend to in the future hurt and destroy, that they deserve respect, love and true commitment and to never accept less. While your at it you can chat with your son. Let him know that just because he'll see guys around him disrespecting woman and families that there is NEVER a reason that makes that behavior acceptable. I've tried to tell them, but who am I to talk. My track record from childhood on has been less than stellar.

I'm really tired. I can't continue to be the ONLY responsible parent here. You chose to be a parent. You chose that responsibility. Parenthood is something you can't divorce. It's not something given up because your kids are between the ages of 14-22. There's not an age limit with parenthood and the responsibility of setting good examples.

The best example you can show your family now is how even when bad choices have been made in the past it doesn't give you the right to continue. So you stop what your doing and start playing life by the rules because if you don't eventually life will take you out of the game.

Illustration Friday: Sea

2006-01-10T08:59:00.000-08:00

I have been floating around the same little pond for quite some time now. It's been a safe and secure place where the waters stay pretty calm. Having had our share of rough tides I always knew that one of us would always be there to toss out a line and reel the other in if we ever felt we were sinking. We always loved exploring the bigger seas but coming home was one of the best parts of the adventures shared.

Until the waters became contaminated with cheating. No more calm days kicking back relaxing on the pond. No more knowing that someone will always be there to toss out that line during times of struggle...

I've spent a lot of time lately thinking if this is where I want to stay? Can the kids and I really regain the happy times that we had before. Maybe we just need to move on and out of our little pond, our comfortable home we've lived in for over 15 years, to a bigger part of the sea.

But I've decided instead of moving away, that it's time for me to start discovering new and different types of fish. Honest, fun-loving, intelligent ones. I hear all the time that they're out there. Everyone keeps telling me to stop worrying about being alone. That "there are bigger fish in the sea" and all I need to do is start keeping my eyes open. Toss out a line once in a while and see who pops their head up.

Well, watch out boys, this chicks a going fish–in!

Illustration Friday: Flavor

2006-01-05T09:49:00.000-08:00

Through the last few months I've tried to stifle life's flavor, pretending I didn't need it anymore. I didn't want to take the chance of finding so much bitter again on my plate. Then suddenly I looked down at my plate to find it empty. So many people in my life add so much flavor. My kids add the sweet to pull me through the bitter times we've had. My friends have added the spice, providing new ways to explore flavors never before on my plate. My family who provided the flavors of comfort, kindness are salt in my life, for if it wasn't for them the flavor of everything else just wouldn't taste as good. I've learned that flavor has been a way of self motivating me to create what I want out of life. Choosing the favors in my own life has given me control in my own destiny, no matter what has been put on my plate. And really, we all need a little bitter in our lives to make us appreciate all the glorious sweet!!

on the side: to jules and julie your concern was "delicate". your appreciation of my blog "sweet". your own sites are filled the the robust flavors you obviously share in your own lives. thank you for pushing me back to the table!

Way off to the side....BOB seems to be the flavor of crazy with just a hint of stupid. Bob back away from all sharp objects, you might get hurt.

Illustration Friday: Strength

2005-11-16T08:04:00.000-08:00

Friday, June 17, 2005 was the start of a building of strength, perseverance and persistence that I find absolutely incredible. This was the day my sister lost her husband of over three decades from a rare cancer. He was her friend, companion, sounding block in life's daily dramas. But he was also her handyman. The one who installed the new things, fixed the broken, stopped the leaks, hung the decorations at the start of the holidays and took them down at the end. My sister is now the handyman and despite all the obstacles, despair, discouragements, and impossibilities of moving on without the love of her life, her determined spirit and strength to continue with grace is something I think of every day when I find myself drowning in my own problems. And I know that even if it feels like it will never stop raining for our family (we've had a pretty rough year), we all have a special angel now who will always be holding the umbrella of faith over us to make sure we can see the blue sky thru the gray.

Illustration Friday: Night

2005-11-10T14:37:00.000-08:00

The days fly by with work and family duties occupying much of my time. Days spent talking with my kids, making dinner, enjoying friends, the bustle of life moving on. But it's the night that creeps up from behind, catching me off guard. It's here where the loneliness seeps in like a childhood fear and the hunger and tears, jealousies and cravings envelope me like a nightmare. I curl myself up into a ball and weep for the sun to begin its' rise, bringing in the day because this is where I rest, this is where I find peace, this is where my mind stays busy and moves on.

Illustration Friday: Broken

2005-11-02T14:52:00.000-08:00

Divorce breaks you in many way.
Your sprit, self-esteem, heart and health breaks. It breaks your family apart, your friends and your future. Your dream and hopes all break.

BUT...
Lawyers, filings, bills past due, taxes not paid, car repairs, seven year old leans put on your house that you did not know about until you are trying to re-finance your house...all this along with running your home daily with one complete income out the door. 23 years of really not paying much attention to the bills being paid (or not in many cases) have left me scrambling to learn all that was going on, especially this past year. A lot of money can't even be accounted for (but I can guess). I will never let someone break me physically or financially again.

Anyone out there want to come over? We'll have a glass of wine and talk...

Illustration Friday: Remote

2005-11-02T14:51:00.000-08:00

One of the request I had for the ex when he moved was to stay in a moderately close vicinity to my home for this reason: I wanted the young-in to feel, when she was over at his place, that if needed she was close enough to her home to be there in a split second. To feel comfortable in her neighborhood. To feel she still was in control.

The problem with this arrangement is he is also close to me. I have to drive by his apartment every morning, 6am, on the way to work and every morning I glance in the parking area for familiar cars getting a knot in the pit of my stomach. When I get lonely (every flipping day) I want to call, say, why don't you come over for a glass of wine and we'll talk. I want to stop at his place after being out with friends because they're going home with husbands and lovers and I'm going home alone. Not because I haven't had offers but because I don't have the desire to play the dating game. I just want to move on.

I also wish the ex would move on. On to a far away remote location. An iceberg perhaps, with new friends that will have him over for dinner.

I guess I want my cake and eat it too...

Taittinger's and Only One Glass

2005-10-20T13:30:00.000-07:00

We all have hurdles to get over every day. Some are the little bitty ones you can tip-toe over with barley a notice. Then there are the ones that you feel you'll never get over no matter how high you jump. These are the ones you turn to your friends and family to toss you a rope and help pull you up. This week has been leading up to a hurdle that I don't know if there's a rope long enough for.

My 23rd anniversary is Saturday. Well now, non-anniversary. We celebrated with joy the last 22 years. Our favorite Argentinean restaurant, wine and champagne and mad passionate love till the wee hours of the morning. I have always been proud of my family and the things we had accomplished together over the past two decades. Even on my work resume for years I totted the fact that I was still married to someone I still liked after 10, 15, 20 years... For me, it made me feel good that we had never become a statistic. Until now.

So now I'm trying to decide how to spend Saturday evening....I think it's going to include lots of Taittinger's and a really, really long rope. If you have one, can you toss it my way, please...

Illustration Friday: Cold winds of fall...

2005-10-18T11:12:00.000-07:00

It took me by surprise when you brushed against the back of my neck. I was just standing there all alone.
You were close enough, I felt I could touch you. Breath in your crisp clean smell. It seemed as if you had been gone for a lifetime. You said only a season. You seemed to be lonely like me. Looking for someone to hold.
You asked me how I've been, and I said fine. You sensed the truth and wrapped your coldness around me. The coldness you knew could sometimes numb the pain. You said you knew how it feels to be alone and you wrapped around me tighter so I would never feel this way again. And suddenly, I felt warm.

Illustration Friday: Float

2005-10-04T14:22:00.000-07:00

FLOAT TWO OLIVES PLEASE...

Next year is too far away...
Everyone keeps telling me things will be better by next year but the holiday's are just around the corner. Our favorite time of the year. But as each night comes and the wind is starting to chill the air, I find myself falling into the arms of emptiness and I cry and when I wake up from my dreams that are twisted in my brain, I can't seem to clear out the past. I feel warmth in the small of my back when I wake and then I roll over to find only my heart is pounding and I'm tired and I don’t want to feel the emptiness. To quote Johnny Cash; " I’ll have a mimosa just skip the orange juice and make the champagne Sapphire Gin with two olives floating on top." I don’t feel much like drinking. But I’m drinking anyway.

note: Thank you new friends for all you wonderful sentiments. You've really helped me with your genuine kindness. I'm really OK, not drinking Martinis for breakfast, though I might down a few olives before I leave for work. Just a little cold and lonley. And I really wanted to paint a Blue Sapphire martini. Did you know you can find olives stuffed with just about anything these days? Yummy!!
http://www.olivehouse.com/cgi/cart-form?cartrefer++html/olives.html+data/items.txt

another big note: Thank you Teri. You are a wonderful person. You are a wonderful sister. You have brought great happiness to my life and to Mom's, Debi's and Bruce's lives and to the lives of everyone else you have touched. You have so many beautiful qualities. The way you took Sara into your home and show her the warmth and gentleness of your heart. You have brought so much light and love into all of our lives. I love you.

Illustration Friday: Fresh

2005-09-28T12:56:00.000-07:00

Divorce has been an emotional roller coaster. I see life’s opportunities, the ones that I've spent years working towards, disappear and I was suddenly depressed over all that was lost. I felt emotionally drained and wanted to curl up into a ball in the corner of a dark room to stop the pain. It’s easy to feel like a victim, and experience depression. I have felt like a failure, with no inspiration to do any of the things I once loved. I ended up with little self-esteem or self-respect.

Thankfully I am putting all of these issues into perspective and have accepted the fact that my marriage has ended. I am starting to let go of the resentment, and am feeling better about myself and life in general. I want to become a stronger and better person. I want to be able to look at this as a painful learning experience, but one that will leave me with more knowledge about myself and the people around me. I understand that I have the ability to control my own future. Starting fresh is my chance to become the person that I have always wanted to be. Happy and at peace.

Illustration Friday: Escape

2005-09-22T08:46:00.000-07:00

"You cannot escape the results of your actions unless you accept responsibility. Whatever your present environment may be, you will fall, remain or rise with your actions. You will become as small as your controlling desire; as great as your dominant aspiration. "

Now here's the story....
The week had gone by with much anxiety, something in the air just wasn't right. I questioned everything and he denied all.
Saturday after work:
hubby: "I'm going to bring home a couple trays for Gina & Bob's dinner party tonight.
wifey: "you want to go? with all the crap that's going on?"
hubby: "yea, what's the problem? You need to knock it off. Nothing is going on. Let's just go and have a good time."
wifey: "I don't think it is a good idea, I don't feel like having a good time and I really don't feel like leaving Em by herself."
hubby: "I'll go by myself then."
wifey: "No, they'll think I'm mad at them, We go together or not at all. Em can come and swim and get something to eat"
hubby: "fine" (under his breath: "I win")

Enter/THE PARTY:
Hugs, hi's and "we're so glad you guys could come..."
Adults are standing around the dining room as we walk in and are introduced to the people we don't know.
Enter/GUEST CANINE & HER HUSBAND (not more than 5 minutes after entering the party)
Canine: looking at me "Are you the one that's works at the Cafe."
wifey: No I work as a designer, my hubby works at the Cafe.
Canine: turning to hubby "We live right next door to one of your coworkers. I think she's a baker. Her name is Andrea"
wifey: heart pounding in ears, turns to hubby who is as white as his linen shirt, turns back to Canine "So where do you live?"
Canines' Hubby: " Just on the corner of Planz & Wilble."
wifey: "3400...exact address I found two weeks before and hubby totally denied that his ho-slut ever lived at that address?"
Canine: "Exactly, how did you know?"
wifey: "Oh, I just know someone who lives in that complex too"

wifey: turning to husband saying, not under breath at all, "I win!"

The All Knowing Party guests after a few minutes came to me and said they recognized hubby from his many daily visits to the apartment of their neighbor for the last year. They hugged me and said they were sorry but thought I should know.

Party Over...

Hubby keeps saying that I don't know the whole story. That he just wanted his cake and eat it too. I know the true story now. I know the story of why my marriage has ended and it starts and end with the definition of one word.

af·faire a : a romantic or passionate attachment typically of limited duration :
LIAISON 2b b : a matter occasioning public anxiety, controversy, or scandal

It's true that I don't know their story. The story the two of them tell each other which allows them to sleep at night. To eat, laugh, love. Things I've found hard to enjoy.

But that doesn't really matter anymore.

After that evening nothing could be denied and so many lies just couldn't be forgiven. And so many people have come forward with knowledge. I have spent the last two week filing, changing accounts, dotting all the i's and crossing all the t's.
Now hubby's gone, heads are clearing, hearts are healing and the kids are doing ok.

And I've hung up my Sherlock Holmes hat for good.

My part of their story has ended.

Peas With Pine Nuts And Prosciutto

2005-08-25T14:31:00.000-07:00

2 cups Fresh peas
2 tbl Olive oil
1 tbl butter
2 tbl Pine nuts, toasted
2 cloves Finely chopped garlic
1 small Onion -- finely chopped
2 stalks Scallions -- thinly sliced
1/3 cup Prosciutto -- chopped
3 leaves Fresh basil -- chopped
1 tsp Fresh oregano -- chopped
1 1/2 tsp Fresh lemon juice
Freshly ground pepper and salt to taste
1/4 cup Grated Parmesan cheese

Steam peas in a small amount of boiling water until just tender. Drop into ice water. Drain.
In medium saucepan, heat oil and butter, add pine nuts, garlic; saute until onions are softened. Add peas, prosciutto, basil, oregano and lemon juice, stirring for about 2 minutes until heated through. Add fresh ground pepper and kosher salt.
Garnish with Parmesan cheese and fresh scallions.

I LOVE PEAS!!! You'll love them too if you make this.

HEY NEIGHBOR...

2005-08-24T13:30:00.000-07:00

Sometimes someone just hands you a gift. Not a material gift, but a gift of knowledge. One of the gal pals from the office came in and said we should go to this website http://www.zabasearch.com/ and see if our names are on it and ask for them to remove it because it can show our phone and address and links to other search sites that might have info we might not want public. Well, I have nothing to hide but I know someone who does....

so I typed in the name of a certain gal pal of "TCs" and what-da-ya-know, poof up pops "TWs" phone number (which I already knew, thank you cingular) and THE ADDRESS! Put that info into map quest and oh my goodness if she doesn't live but a skip and a holler from my lovely home, a .65 mile skip (that's less than 2 min).

Knowledge is not only power, but a deal breaker.
Game on...

The Breakfast of Champions

2005-08-24T08:54:00.000-07:00

Nothing make you feel more healthy than downing a chilled bottle of V8 in the morning. "2" full servings of vegetables all swished into a newly designed and fully recyclable bottle. Much better than the metal taste left by the old can.

I love to add a few handfuls of chewy, fruity, yummy gummy bears to the mix to get my daily requirement of fruit.
Well, come to find out, there is apparently NO FRUIT in gummy bears! None what-so-ever! No limes or lemons. No oranges or cherries. Who'd of thunk it. If they can get my veggies into a little plastic bottle then shouldn't they be able to squish a couple of servings of fruit into the sweet, happy faces of those little bears.

Needless to say, I cannot give up my morning bears they make me smile, but that's a clear benefit.

Working for the man-er...woman...

2005-08-23T14:45:00.000-07:00

I work for a design agency that, like all design agencies tends to teeter on the edge of existence. Owned by two crazy hormonal woman who hate each other, the staff really pulls together to keep it running. Owner #1: Rich, callous, loves to drink, cuss (particularly fond of calling girls the big "C" word) and kissing the male clients on the lips. Owner #2 Slacker to the point of stupid, loves coming in daily at 10am and leaving at 1:30pm or earlier if she can. Oh, and having every Monday off and most Fridays. Neither takes care of their clients, so the staff is left to do most of the grunt work. But we always get our paychecks, so we tend to live with the bullshit.

Two weeks ago that bullshit hit the fan when boss #1 (the money behind the business) called a staff meeting to say she is walking away from the business and if we stayed, we will be working for Boss #2 (slacker with NO cash).

It took all my strength, and the picture stuck in my head, of my 13 year old daughter wearing tattered clothes, holding a wooden porridge bowl in front of her asking "sir, may I please have another" in a bad english accent, not to pack my things up and just walk out. With a near certain divorce looming over my head and even though hubby says that I can have the house and he will help out financially, this comes from the same guy who, for the last nine months, has SWORE ON MY LIFE that nothing was going on.

So for the last two weeks I have been scrambling to try to design the agencies new look and business system and some fun, catchy promotional pieces to introduce the new look. All for a company I don't believe will be here in six months. All for the owner I swore I'd never work for. All because I really have no choice.

This would all be much easier if I was working for someone like, say Jack Daniel's.

Illustration Friday: Reflection

2005-08-23T09:22:00.000-07:00

I sit and look for hours, wondering endlessly how long my search will be for the special person. The one who will come out of the darkness and give me the strength and courage to heal my heart. I never realized the reflection could be me.

Illustration Friday: Wisdom

2005-08-19T07:42:00.000-07:00

I hope our wisdom will grow with our power, and teach us, that the less we use our power the greater we will be.
Thomas Jefferson

Illustration Friday: Aging

2005-08-08T13:08:00.000-07:00

When your life take a change for the worse, you feel yourself aging daily.
In my case, I feel myself aging alone.

He can go fly a f*cking kite...

2005-08-02T13:24:00.000-07:00

6 months is a really long time I'm realizing now. A f*cking, unbearably hard to handle long time.
After 23 years, I thought that we (family and all) deserve one last shot at keeping it together, giving "the cheat" (known from now on as T.C.) six months to prove that this was a one time, not to ever in a million f*cking years or I'll cut his man toy off and shove it down "the whore's" (known from now on as T.W.) throat, ever happen again thing.
This decision came after a three month lie feast in which evidence was found that T.C. had been fraternizing with the enemy and lying again, only this time to my face. He wasn't f*cking, "just talking". He said "she is going through a difficult period in her life, and she needed to talk."

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!!!

I want this to happen. I want this to be ok. But if it doesn't happen in six months...
He will learn soon what it’s like to be alone, and I will feel what it’s like to have someone around, our family, our friends. Because if he can't do this, then they will know why and perhaps then we will understand each other just a bit better.

And I'll sitting by the window having a cup of f*cking tea with someone else.

apologies...

2005-08-01T09:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Liver,
Sorry for the abuse this weekend. I'll give you some much needed time
off.
You've be a trooper lately.

Dear Mouth,
Sorry for the crap I force out of you. You usually are much better at
keeping me from sounding too stupid.
I'll work harder at keeping you shut.

Dear D,
Sorry for dragging you into my mess. Calling people at home in the
middle of the night is something I try to keep from doing.
I don't remember all I said (see above) but I'm sure you weren't saying
"that's one intelligent babe interrupting my evening".

Thanks for taking my call, you're a peach!

b

the simple conversations of my kids....

2005-07-31T19:20:00.000-07:00

Em: You will never guess what I saw on TV this morning.
Sara: What?
Em: Monkeys that walk amongst the people and goats that climb in the trees.
Sara: Are you kidding me?
Em: no, I swear!
Sara: Where is this magical place?
Em: They call it Australia....

Thank you simplicity of the youth!

Everything Changes

2005-07-28T14:38:00.000-07:00

Everything changes when the life you've spent 23 years building, suddenly come to a halt. Not because of an illness where you can ask help from the people that you love. And not because of a death in which, tragic as it would be, your love for the person doesn't end and there is support around you, hugs, crying out-loud and knowing that you'll be able to move on because of all the memories you've created.

Life changes differently when your partner, friend, lover, father of your kids and all around nice guy has pulled the wool over your eyes and the dress over someone else head.

You don't have the same type of public support. You cry alone, in the dark, curled in a ball on the end of your bed because you don't want to smell his scent on his pillow. You feel ashamed, unsure of who you can talk to. Lonely, empty and hurt. You start self-doubting your every move. Your every friend. You worry you won't have the courage or will to carry on. You look at yourself differently. The past differently. How many of the memories that make up your past are really only the lies of today.

I have always thought I made his life better.
I always thought we were friends.

Illustration Friday: Tranquility

2005-07-27T15:03:00.000-07:00

"And when she held out her arms, all the world wrapped around her and the wind held her tight and said to her, this only weighs a lot if you forget to laugh and make noises to keep the angels awake."

This is a mini poster that I created for people dealing with a love one with cancer. My sister was in that fight and just weeks ago her husband of over 3 decades lost his battle. Now hers is just beginning.